Practical Steps for a Difficult Conversation

One topic that often arises in our coaching practice is handling difficult conversations. We all need to have those conversations at some point, which can happen in our personal and professional lives.

It is easy to avoid difficult conversations for as long as possible, but unfortunately, when you do that, they often become a much larger problem. We have found these steps helpful when working with clients or family.

The following steps will help you prepare for your difficult conversation. The most important thing to remember is that this is a growth opportunity for you – have fun with it. If you dread the conversation, practice these steps with someone you feel safe with.

1.       Mindset—Having the right mindset is the most important step in having a good conversation. Don’t make assumptions; you don’t know what they are thinking about. Check in on your basis or judgments. To have a terrific conversation, it is important not to have any preset notions, including your judgments about that person.

2.       Partnership – Every conversation can be dealt with as a partnership. Whether you are talking to your partner, a peer, a team member, or a teenager, focus on how you can create a partnership with them. This is where you shift from convincing them to asking them. Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you get that done?” ask, “What’s stopping you from getting that done?”. Use empathy, put yourself in their shoes, and listen to what they are saying.  This is the perfect time to practice reflective listening. “What I heard you say is, . . “

3.       Reset – Notice how you are feeling during the conversation. Make a point of checking your feelings. Are you getting angry? Frustrated? Take a moment to breathe, reset, and start again.

4.       Ask questions – You can ask two types of questions. Learner Questions and Judger Questions. Learner Questions are open-minded, curious, and creative. They allow you to go deeper and find more and better solutions. Judger Questions can be critical and even hostile. A Judger Question is usually trying to prove something instead of being open. For more on this, click here. Remember to be curious about what they have to say.

5.       Reflect – Learning from past mistakes or focusing on what went right is how to grow. After your conversation, reflect by answering the following three questions:

a.       What went well? Sometimes, this is hard to find if the conversation doesn’t work. It might be as simple as starting the conversation or as enlightening as how much closer you feel and what you learned from whomever you are talking to. 

b.       What do you wish you had said/done? What did you leave out? Were there other questions you should have asked? 

c.       And most importantly, what did you learn about yourself? Were you surprised by the questions you came up with or how quickly you were triggered? This question is crucial because it helps you recognize areas for improvement or ways to celebrate a well-done job.

Always take time to prepare for difficult conversations, remember to reflect, and most importantly, don’t put them off. The time you spend worrying about the conversation could be used for something fun or productive. If you are stuck, please contact us to discuss helpful ways to plan for your upcoming conversation.

For additional information, read The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by University of Washington psychologist John Gottman.

If you are interested in finding additional ways to grow your personal or professional relationships, we would love to work with you. You can sign up for relationship coaching by contacting either of us (Dawn or John) on our booking page

or check out our upcoming classes at this link. Discovery calls are always offered at no charge.