How can reflecting on past mistakes improve and strengthen your relationships
- Sanders Coaching Team
- Jan 26
- 2 min read
When working with couples we use some of the same techniques as we do when working with our leadership clients - use your current and past experiences to grow. This will help improve your relationship.
The best way to do this is to remember a time in the not-too-distant past when you had a conversation or experience with your partner that didn't go well. We outlined some steps below to help you learn from this experience.
Start from a place without judgment. You might need to do a mindfulness practice - deep breathing or a mindful walk so you can detach from your emotions when you remember. Your emotions will get in the way of your learning if you can't let them go.
Remember and/or write down everything that went well. If the experience you are remembering is a time when you acted badly, try hard to find one or two things that went well. It could be, "I said how I felt", even if you said it badly.
The next thing to focus on is, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Why is this important? Replaying an action in our mind and the way we want to react trains our mind's neural pathways.
You can build new neural pathways not only with new behaviors but through the imagination. Imagine the new behaviors over and over and over. Keep repeating them in your mind so you build new pathways. Focus your mind and retrain your brain. By focusing on how you want to act, your mind will learn to react this way when times are stressful. It takes time and practice, but it can be done. Doing this often will improve your relationship.
The last step is to take the time to think about what you have learned about yourself. This could be, "I really get triggered when my partner says _____". Understanding what makes you react badly, will help you be more aware when you get into a similar situation.
Taking time to reflect is one of the best ways to learn and grow. If you want to go deeper into the research on why this works,
Read the white paper from Positive Intelligence to learn more about the neuroscience of Positive Intelligence and why it works.
Read Chatter by Ethan Kross to understand how the chatter in our brain causes emotion.
John and Dawn work with couples to help them find more joy in their relationship. If you are considering Couples Coaching, reach out to coach@sanderscoachingteam.com to schedule a free session to learn more.
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